A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
