I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
