So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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