I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
