I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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