meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
