Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
