Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Farmville is her only friend.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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