Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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