I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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