there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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