my mouth tastes like poor choices
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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