I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
