Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Who died my cat blue again?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
