Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
