My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
