I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
