life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
no you cant smoke seaweed
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
