so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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