Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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