Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
