I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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