Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
