so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize