oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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