So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
