I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
