he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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