If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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