If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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