You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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