Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
