if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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