I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
