my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
