naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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