Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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