my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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