I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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