i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
