Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
