It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
