I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
