mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Someone came in the potted fern
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
