You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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