I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
