i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
