WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
