this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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