at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
