Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just pee around me
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
