Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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