Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
