I will die if light touches me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
