is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
