I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
