So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
