I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
