Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
