so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I believe in your delicious
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
