Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
