I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
